Marriage

What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. ~H.L. Mencken, A Book of Burlesques, 1916
The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds – they mature slowly. ~Peter De Vries
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~Rita Rudner
Marriage, n. A community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all two. ~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary, 1911
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open. ~George Bernard Shaw
Newlyweds become oldyweds, and oldyweds are the reasons that families work. ~Author Unknown
Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. ~Simone Signoret
Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner
A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time. ~Anne Taylor Fleming
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you’ll meet that night. ~Paul Hornung
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson
Divorce: The past tense of marriage. ~Author Unknown
One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. ~Judith Viorst
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. ~Katherine Hepburn
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage. ~Robert Anderson, Solitaire & Double Solitaire
There is no such cozy combination as man and wife. ~Menander
It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. ~Benjamin Disraeli
The sum which two married people owe to one another defies calculation. It is an infinite debt, which can only be discharged through eternity. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ~Phyllis Diller, Phyllis Diller’s Housekeeping Hints, 1966
In the opinion of the world, marriage ends all, as it does in a comedy. The truth is precisely the opposite: it begins all. ~Anne Sophie Swetchine
In a time when nothing is more certain than change, the commitment of two people to one another has become difficult and rare. Yet, by its scarcity, the beauty and value of this exchange have only been enhanced. ~Robert Sexton
An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit. ~Pliny the Younger, Letters
If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you’d have a hell of a lot of overlapping. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn’t want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. ~W. Somerset Maugham
If two stand shoulder to shoulder against the gods,
Happy together, the gods themselves are helpless
Against them while they stand so.
~Maxwell Anderson
After the chills and fever of love, how nice is the 98.6º of marriage! ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for granted relationship. ~Iris Murdoch
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation. ~Author Unknown
A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. ~Paul Sweeney
Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the florist had. ~Francis Rodman
Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. ~Beverley Nichols
Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is. ~Author Unknown
Love is a flower which turns into fruit at marriage. ~Finnish Proverb
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together. ~James H. Boren
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. ~Raymond Hull
One of the good things that come of a true marriage is, that there is one face on which changes come without your seeing them; or rather there is one face which you can still see the same, through all the shadows which years have gathered upon it. ~George MacDonald
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent. ~Socrates
Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century. ~Mark Twain
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. ~Jean Rostand, Le Mariage, 1927
Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. ~Isadora Duncan
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. ~G.B. Shaw, Getting Married, 1908
A first-rate marriage is like a first-rate hotel: expensive, but worth it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
Our wedding was many years ago. The celebration continues to this day. ~Gene Perret
Here’s to matrimony, the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented! ~Heinrich Heine
The reason for much matrimony is patrimony. ~Ogden Nash
I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan. ~Claire Cloninger, “When the Glass Slipper Doesn’t Fit and the Silver Spoon is in Someone Else’s Mouth”
A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals
Marriage: that I call the will of two to create the one who is more than those who created it. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. ~Author Unknown
Though marriage makes man and wife one flesh, it leaves ’em still two fools. ~William Congreve
Marriage ceremony: an incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the law being dragged into the affairs of your family. ~O.C. Ogilvie
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
One should never know too precisely whom one has married. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
Bigamy is having one husband or wife too many. Monogamy is the same. ~Oscar Wilde
Spouse: someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single. ~Author Unknown
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. ~Author Unknown
Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it. ~Gene Perret
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution. ~Mae West
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said. ~Author Unknown
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. ~Max Kauffman
Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in shade. ~Leo Buscaglia
Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without. ~James C. Dobson
I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all. ~Lord Byron
The chief reason why marriage is rarely a success is that it is contracted while the partners are insane. ~Joseph Collins
We have the greatest pre-nuptial agreement in the world. It’s called love. ~Gene Perret
It takes a loose rein to keep a marriage tight. ~John Stevenson
Mistress: something between a mister and a mattress. ~Author Unknown
Mother-in-law: a woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. ~Author Unknown
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie. ~Author Unknown
Wedding rings: the world’s smallest handcuffs. ~Author Unknown
How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being. ~Oscar Wilde
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. ~Stephen Leacock, Literary Lapses, 1910
The most dangerous food is wedding cake. ~American Proverb
Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition. ~Samuel Pepys
Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is. ~Author Unknown
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. ~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
Marriage is not a word – it is a sentence. ~Author Unknown
Our marriage has always been a 50-50 proposition – with the possible exception of closet space. ~Gene Perret
There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first. ~Adela Rogers St. Johns
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. ~Sacha Guitry, Elles et toi, 1948
It isn’t tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it’s separating himself from all the others. ~Helen Rowland, Violets and Vinegar
Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast. ~Marlene Dietrich
Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman. ~Joseph Joubert
Never strike your wife – even with a flower. ~Hindu Proverb
The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character. ~Peter Devries
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. ~Brendan Behan
So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three. ~Alexandre Dumas, fils
Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins. ~Langdon Mitchell
Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect behind her. ~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary, 1911
If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? ~Author Unknown
What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. ~George Levinger
Love-matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. ~Countess of Blessington
Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage. ~Sydney J. Harris
That quiet mutual gaze of a trusting husband and wife is like the first moment of rest or refuge from a great weariness or a great danger. ~George Eliot
The husband who doesn’t tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn’t know won’t hurt him. ~Leo J. Burke
You can never be happily married to another until you get a divorce from yourself. Successful marriage demands a certain death to self. ~Jerry McCant
Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them. ~Jefferson Machamer
It’s easy to understand love at first sight, but how do we explain love after two people have been looking at each other for years? ~Author Unknown
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin. ~Honore de Balzac, The Physiology of Marriage
Never marry for money. Ye’ll borrow it cheaper. ~Scottish Proverb
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. ~Henny Youngman
It’s a nasty divorce when they can’t agree on how to divvy up the His and Hers towels. ~Robert Brault
The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast. ~Gabriel García Márquez
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. ~Tommy Manville
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ~Socrates
A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. ~Ruth Bell Graham
Pity all newlyweds. She cooks something nice for him, and he brings her flowers, and they kiss and think: How easy marriage is. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
One man’s folly is another man’s wife. ~Helen Rowland
Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do. ~Bettina Arndt, Private Lives, 1986
Marriage halves our griefs, doubles our joys, and quadruples our expenses. ~English Proverb
Wedlock is the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise lounge. ~Mrs Patrick Campbell
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. ~Marilyn Monroe
A perfect marriage is one in which “I’m sorry” is said just often enough. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
Marriage must constantly fight against a monster which devours everything: routine. ~Honore de Balzac
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too. ~H.L. Mencken
In marriage there are no manners to keep up, and beneath the wildest accusations no real criticism. Each is familiar with that ancient child in the other who may erupt again…. We are not ridiculous to ourselves. We are ageless. That is the luxury of the wedding ring. ~Enid Bagnold, Autobiography, 1969
Many marriages are simply working partnerships between businessmen and housekeepers. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
The highest happiness on earth is marriage. ~William Lyon Phelps
A fellow ought to save a few of the long evenings he spends with his girl till after they’re married. ~Kin Hubbard
Two mothers-in-law. ~Lord John Russell, on being asked what he would consider a proper punishment for bigamy
Though women are angels, yet wedlock’s the devil. ~Byron, Hours of Idleness
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. ~Joey Adams
A question asked in a Surrey school exam went: “Why do cocks crow early every morning?” A twelve-year-old replied: “My dad says they have to make the most of it while the hens are asleep.” ~Quoted in the Peterborough Daily Telegraph, 1983
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. ~H.L. Mencken
Marriage is a meal where the soup is better than the dessert. ~Austin O’Malley
One shouldn’t be too inquisitive in life
Either about God’s secrets or one’s wife.
~Geoffrey Chaucer, The Canterbury Tales
Most wives think of their husbands as bumbling braggarts with whom they happen to be in love. ~Jackie Gleason
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked. ~Bill Cosby, Love and Marriage
I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it. ~Lyndon B. Johnson
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. ~Ian Hay
Some marriages break up, and some do not, and in our world you can usually explain the former better than the latter. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit. ~Jerry Hall
The marriage state, with or without the affection suitable to it, is the completest image of Heaven and Hell we are capable of receiving in this life. ~Richard Steele, The Spectator
Adultery is the application of democracy to love. ~Henry Louis Mencken, “Sententiae,” A Book of Burlesques, 1920
A dog is much like a married man, obeying his master’s voice for the sake of his master’s touch. ~Robert Brault
A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. ~Andre Maurois
Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join. ~Elbert Hubbard
In the early years, you fight because you don’t understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do. ~Joan Didion
Marriage isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. ~Larry Gelbart, M*A*S*H, “Bulletin Board,” original airdate 14 January 1975, spoken by the character Frank Burns
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. ~Helen Rowland
In the long run wives are to be paid in a peculiar coin – consideration for their feelings. As it usually turns out this is an enormous, unthinkable inflation few men will remit, or if they will, only with a sense of being overcharged. ~Elizabeth Hardwick, Seduction and Betrayal, 1974
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. ~Helen Rowland
Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left. ~Jean Kerr, Mary, Mary, 1960
Marriage changes passion – suddenly you’re in bed with a relative. ~Author Unknown
It is not marriage that fails; it is people that fail. All that marriage does is to show people up. ~Harry Emerson Fosdick
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. ~Grace Hansen
The view that a peptic ulcer may be the hole in a man’s stomach through which he crawls to escape from his wife has fairly wide acceptance. ~John Allan Dalrymple Anderson
Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner. ~Charles Caleb Colton
I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out. ~Lee Grant
Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid. ~Harlan Miller
The man who never in his life
Has washed the dishes with his wife
Or polished up the silver plate –
He still is largely celibate.
~Christopher Morley, Washing the Dishes
A love that lasts for twenty years may be better than love, but it isn’t love. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
God created sex. Priests created marriage. ~Voltaire
To avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a flirtation. ~E.W. Howe
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. ~Henny Youngman
Marriage is a mistake every man should make. ~George Jessel
I guess walking slow getting married is because it gives you time to maybe change your mind. ~Virginia Cary Hudson, O Ye Jigs & Juleps, 1962 (Thanks, Charlene)
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. ~Helen Rowland
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t. ~Author Unknown
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. ~Ogden Nash
One thing you learn in a long marriage is how many sneezes to wait before saying, “Bless you.” ~Robert Brault
Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
The concern that some women show at the absence of their husbands, does not arise from their not seeing them and being with them, but from their apprehension that their husbands are enjoying pleasures in which they do not participate, and which, from their being at a distance, they have not the power of interrupting. ~Michel de Montaigne
But married once, a man is stak’d or pown’d, and cannot graze beyond his own hedge. ~Philip Massinger, Fatal Dowry, 1632
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. ~François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator. ~Author Unknown
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. ~Marie Corelli
Women seem to be all right on bargains till it comes to picking out a husband. ~Kin Hubbard
After a few years of marriage, a man can look right at a woman without seeing her – and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him. ~Helen Rowland
Why get married? For human beings, marriage is such an unnatural state. If you want monogamy, it has been said, you should marry a swan. ~Quentin Crisp, “The Art of Celibacy”

Wives are young men’s mistresses; companions for middle age; and old men’s nurses. ~Francis Bacon, “Of Marriage and Single Life,” Essays or Counsels, Civil and Moral, 1625
Marriage: A word which should be pronounced “mirage.” ~Herbert Spencer
A man without a wife is like a vase without flowers. ~African Proverb
A woman ought to look up to her husband, if only a half-inch. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
A woman who loves her husband is merely paying her bills. A woman who loves her lover gives alms to the poor. ~Paul-Jean Toulet
Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
Give up all hope of peace so long as your mother-in-law is alive. ~Juvenal, Satires
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years. ~Nick Faldo
Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
The reason they’re called the opposite sex is because every time you think you have your wife fooled – it’s just the opposite! ~Walter Winchell
By the time you’re his
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
~Dorothy Parker
Originally marriage meant the sale of a woman by one man to another; now most women sell themselves though they have no intention of delivering the goods listed in the bill of sale. ~Robert Graves
If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse – as a man shoots himself. ~H.L. Mencken
My wife tells me she doesn’t care what I do when I’m away, as long as I’m not enjoying it. ~Lee Trevino
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
~Ogden Nash
“What’s for dinner?” is the only question many husbands ask their wives, and the only one to which they care about the answer. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
Most marriages can survive “better or worse.” The tester is all the years of “exactly the same.” ~Robert Brault
Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages. ~Barry Goldwater
People do not marry people, not real ones anyway; they marry what they think the person is; they marry illusions and images. The exciting adventure of marriage is finding out who the partner really is. ~James L. Framo, “Explorations in Marital & Family Therapy”
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. ~H.L. Mencken
I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance,
A church filled with family and friends.
I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for,
He said one that would make me his wife.
~Author Unknown
No man expects a great deal from marriage. He is quite satisfied if his wife is a good cook, a good valet, an attentive audience, and a patient nurse. ~Author Unknown
Think not because you are now wed
That all your courtship’s at an end.
~Antonio Hurtado de Mendoza
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. ~Arthur Baer
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. ~Lewis Grizzard
There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage. ~Martin Luther
Alimony – The ransom that the happy pay to the devil. ~H.L. Mencken, “Sententiae,” A Book of Burlesques, 1920
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. ~Author Unknown
Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. ~Noel Coward, 1956
Thus Dante’s motto over Inferno applies with equal force to marriage: “Ye who enter here leave all hope behind.” ~Emma Goldman, Marriage and Love
Wasn’t marriage, like life, unstimulating and unprofitable and somewhat empty when too well ordered and protected and guarded. Wasn’t it finer, more splendid, more nourishing, when it was, like life itself, a mixture of the sordid and the magnificent; of mud and stars; of earth and flowers; of love and hate and laughter and tears and ugliness and beauty and hurt. ~Edna Ferber, Show Boat, 1926
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence? ~Author Unknown
Affairs are just as disillusioning as marriage, and much less restful. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
Marriage is a lottery in which men stake their liberty and women their happiness. ~Virginie des Rieux, Epigrams
Wedlock is a padlock. ~John Ray, English Proverbs
The marriage of convenience has this to recommend it: we are better judges of convenience than we are of love. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight. ~Samuel Lichtenberg
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. ~H.V. Prochnow
Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole. ~John Mortimer, The Trials of Rumpole
One of the best things about marriage is that it gets young people to bed at a decent hour. ~M.M. Musselman
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. ~Irwin Corey
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. ~Katharine Houghton Hepburn
The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution. ~Bertrand Russell, Marriage and Morals
Love, the strongest and deepest element in all life, the harbinger of hope, of joy, of ecstasy; love, the defier of laws, of all conventions; love, the freest, the most powerful molder of human destiny; how can such an all-compelling force be synonymous with that poor little State- and church-begotten weed, marriage? ~Emma Goldman, Marriage and Love
What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
Between a man and his wife nothing ought to rule but love. ~William Penn
On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable. ~Emma Goldman, Marriage and Love
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~Billy Connolly
Marriage is nature’s way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child. ~Robert Brault
Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night. ~St. Jerome, Attack on Jovinian
[M]y mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they’ll never get all the pennies out of the pot. ~Armistead Maupin, Tales of the City, 1978
The way to hold a husband is to keep him a little jealous; the way to lose him is to keep him a little more jealous. ~H.L. Mencken
A great poet has seldom sung of lawfully wedded happiness, but of free and secret love; and in this respect, too the time is coming when there will no longer be one standard of morality for poetry and another for life. To anyone tender of conscience, the ties formed by a free connection are stronger than the legal ones. ~Ellen Key, quoted by Sprading in Liberty and the Great Libertarians
Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use two people remembering the same thing. ~Duane Dewel
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. ~Rita Rudner
Then marriage may be said to be past in all quietnesse, when the wife is blind, and the husband deafe. ~Thomas Heywood, “Dialogues”
Come, let’s be a comfortable couple and take care of each other! How glad we shall be, that we have somebody we are fond of always, to talk to and sit with. ~Charles Dickens
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. ~Michel de Montaigne, Essays
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot. ~Minnie Pearl
Love is grand; divorce a hundred grand. ~Author Unknown
It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time. ~Balzac, Physiologie du mariage, 1829
A single man has not nearly the value he would have in a state of union. He is an incomplete animal. He resembles the odd half of a pair of scissors. ~Benjamin Franklin
And when will there be an end of marrying? I suppose, when there is an end of living! ~Tertullian
The surest way to be alone is to get married. ~Gloria Steinem
[W]hen you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. ~Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. ~Robert Frost
I never even believed in divorce until after I got married. ~Diane Ford
As a man, I’ve learned that there is nothing easier in married life than pleasing your wife with your cooking. ~Robert Brault
Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the common-sensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. ~Gloria Steinem
Courtship to marriage is as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. ~William Congreve, The Old Bachelor, 1693
If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books. ~Alan King
They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake. ~Alexander Pope, The Wife of Bath, 1713
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. ~Evelyn Hendrickson
When the one man loves the one woman and the one woman loves the one man, the very angels desert heaven and come and sit in that house and sing for joy. ~The Brahma Sutras
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. ~Author Unknown
If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry. ~Anton Chekov
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle. ~Heinrich Heine
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him. ~Cher
If you haven’t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven’t seen her smile her prettiest. ~Kin Hubbard
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Representative Men, 1850
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. ~Prince Philip
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding. ~Jim, age 10
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble. ~Kenny, age 7, when asked if it’s better to be single or married
Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she’s a householder. ~Thornton Wilder
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single. ~H.L. Mencken
Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance. ~Michel de Montaigne
I’d marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage, and guarantee he’d be dead within the year. ~Bette Davis
Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. ~Madeleine de Scudery
Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it. ~Josh Billings
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does. ~Groucho Marx
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married? ~Barbra Streisand
No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married. ~Benjamin Disraeli
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a custom which is still continued. ~Helen Rowland, Reflections of a Bachelor Girl, 1909
He’s the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. ~Mae West
The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep. ~A.P. Herbert
Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake. ~Elbert Hubbard