Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
Phyllis Diller

My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
Phyllis Diller

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller

The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Phyllis Diller

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller

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